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The first round of the 2023 NFL Draft is in the books and while it may not have featured the most magnificent upper tier draft class of all time, there's no doubt it was a wild first round. We saw a top-five pick traded on the clock, which is a rarity in the modern NFL draft era (of COURSE the two teams I said couldn't trade out somehow traded with each other) and a high-profile QB drop like a rock. 

Two running backs went before the first wide receiver, and, yes, this is 2023. There's plenty of other drama that unfolded on Thursday and of course we have to pick winners and losers. 

Here in North Carolina they're trying to abolish the participation trophy so I'm a little nervous about trying to assuage the losers over the label given here. The reality is I'm probably just too lazy to come up with a new label. Or maybe it's hard to find losers on an optimistic night. Everyone's record is 0-0 and everyone thinks they got better, to the point the Browns and Broncos are sending respective Deshaun Watson and Russell Wilson tweets, as if their fans didn't see 2022 or realize what happened to the draft picks this year. 

If you hate anything below, holler at me on Twitter (@WillBrinson) or Instagram (@WillBrinson). If you love this article, tweet Pete Prisco (@PriscoCBS) about a certain QB who wasn't drafted. 

Winner: Lamar Jackson

Not only did the Ravens quarterback secure the proverbial bag ahead of the draft, signing a contract that we're told includes $185 million guaranteed (whatever the ultimate fully guaranteed number he got a LOT of money), but he had one of his top wide receivers (Odell Beckham) kickstart the WR run in this draft with a tweet followed by Lamar landing another weapon in my favorite wideout, Boston College's Zay Flowers. It definitely has a "we could do anything now that Lamar is signed but we promised him another weapon" vibe to it. Which is fine -- the combo of Mark Andrews, Rashod Bateman, Odell and Zay is very complementary and VERY explosive. Zay can also be a really interesting option on horizontal movement stuff to open up the run game even more. If Todd Monken comes in and gets it going early on offense, 20-1 for Lamar MVP will look silly by October. 

Loser: Will Levis 

Pretty self explanatory, no? Levis had the latest awkward green room debacle, with NFL Network and ESPN zooming in on the Kentucky quarterback constantly as he kept seeing his agent shake his head and blush. Levis was like -500 to go fourth overall to the Colts right before the draft and Indy passed on him, taking Anthony Richardson instead. The Texans were rumored/buzzed to be interested in Levis as well and went with C.J. Stroud. Levis' fall continued for quite some time, to the point he will spend the evening in a Kansas City hotel wondering when his name will be called on Day 2.

Winner: Houston Texans 

I was going to leave the Texans out of this spot because I thought they overpaid a bit to move up from No. 12 to No. 3 in a shocking trade with the Cardinals, but my colleague R.J. White (a must follow on Twitter @RJWhite1 and one of the sharpest dudes I know) has it as an even trade on his customized, more modern trade chart. (Blame me, I was scrambling and forgot to check R.J.'s chart. As always, I'm an idiot.) I don't like giving up the future first next year because Houston isn't guaranteed to be a great football team (they traded their own pick, not Cleveland's in the Deshaun Watson deal) but they got two of the top three picks in the draft by scoring C.J. Stroud and Will Anderson. There's a subtle angle here too, as Nick Caserio managed to appease his owner by landing Stroud and also his new head coach by landing a former Bama player and the best defensive player in the draft in Will Anderson. The Texans' over 5.5 wins is a smash. 

Loser: Detroit Lions 

Detroit landed two first picks and yet, it's hard to feel completely enamored with what happened. The Lions traded back from No. 6 as fast as possible after the Seahawks took Devon Witherspoon at No. 5. The Lions could have taken Bijan Robinson there but decided to go back to No. 12 and take Jahmyr Gibbs. Gibbs is great! But why not just go Bijan at No. 6? The Lions followed it up by taking Iowa linebacker Jack Campbell at No. 18. Both guys fit the Lions team mentality and it's a blue collar pull for Detroit but it doesn't feel like the massive upgrade we expected for Detroit going in. Caveat: Pete Prisco gave the Campbell pick an A+, so either I throw this in his face or sneak by since he doesn't know how to work the Internet and read this story. 

Winner: Justin Herbert 

Flying under the radar heading into this draft was the Chargers' need at wide receiver. You see Keenan Allen, Mike Williams and Josh Palmer and you feel GREAT about the weapons. But if you look at the contracts it's entirely possible both Keenan and Big Mike could be salary cap casualties. I don't think that's the case at all because they're both productive. But it's not as loaded as the depth chart indicates and grabbing explosive deep threat Quentin Johnston out of TCU is a big win for Herbert, the Chargers offense and new OC Kellen Moore. There are concerns about drops but the talent is unquestionable and he fits really well with this new offense, the quarterback's best skill set and the current personnel. Herbert could go OFF next year with these receivers around him.

Loser: Larry David

Spite Stores took a huge hit on Thursday night. Latte Larry's is one of my favorite haunts and if you listen to the Pick Six Podcast you know how much I love a good spite game. Unfortunately for those of us who dabble in the medium, we didn't get either of the possible spite situations involving Aaron Rodgers. The Packers made the Jets swap two spots in the draft as part of the Rodgers trade and the thought -- at least here in Spiteland, USA -- was Green Bay would immediately draft a wide receiver or tight end just to spite Rodgers, a la the Seahawks taking an OL in Russell Wilson's face last year. They didn't (and probably snaked the Patriots) but then the real disappointment was the Jets declining to spite the Packers by taking the first-round WR for Rodgers that the Packers declined to draft. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE: LD's Jets got Aaron Freaking Rodgers. Let him call plays already, Saleh!

Winner: Howie Roseman

Live, all the way from Athens, GA, it's Philadelphia recording artist ... Howie Roseman! There should be zero panic around the Eagles and nothing but widespread success after Roseman dipped his entire foot into the UGA pool in the first round of the 2023 draft. 

Remember how he fleeced the Saints last year for an extra first this year while adding Jordan Davis and Nakobe Dean? Howie doubled down on the Dawgs this year, scooping up Jalen Carter (trading up one spot to ninth overall) before landing Nolan Smith at No. 30. Maybe the Bulldogs back-to-back title teams were Kirby Smart smoke and mirrors ... but it doesn't seem likely!! I love adding Georgia guys and if this mini-Moneyball approach is correct this Philly defense could be nasty. 

Loser: Miami Dolphins

Finding losers is hard, guys. It's really hard when you have to pick teams who lost inside just a 32-pick range, especially when a bunch of teams are leaving the first round with multiple picks. Remember the Raiders 2019 draft? No one liked that draft! But they got THREE PLAYERS and one of them was friend of the pod Josh Jacobs (pay him please). So you couldn't call them a loser just because of the sheer volume. The Dolphins on the other hand? They shortened the draft by a pick, forcing the NFL to add 15 minutes of fluff coverage on the broadcast, creating a whole mess of record-keeping and problems with draft betting (over/unders lost a decent percent). And how did they lose their first-round pick? By flirting with Tom Brady and Sean Payton. While that sounds like a delightfully fun and reasonably handsome time -- and gosh Payton would bring out max Troll Brady on the field and postgame -- we're not giving this enough attention. Losing a first-round pick while trying to acquire a QB/coach combo in which you go 0/2 is like double faulting every single point of every single service game of an entire match. It's the ultimate unforced error. 

Winner: Ryan Poles/Chicago Bears

No one's tougher on the Bears than me, but how can you not love what the Bears GM did for his team and for his quarterback Justin Fields on the first night of the draft. It would be disingenuous not to count the trade out of No. 1 to No. 9 with the Panthers, netting Chicago a future first-round pick and additional second-round ammo, plus D.J. Moore. From the ninth spot the Bears dropped down to 10th -- a minor move but oppo Ryan Pace so we're doing well already! -- and grabbed Darnell Wright, a highly regarded tackle. Last offseason didn't feel like a big "let's help our QB" type of run, but Chicago is clearly trying to find out if Fields is the guy this year by maxing out what's around him. That's good team-building work and Poles/Matt Eberflus deserve credit. 

Loser: Big Mayo

Of course sometimes you sit there and can't come up with losers and then it hits you: right now there are some mayonnaise brand executives waking up and having coffee and feeling VERY UPTIGHT about what happened on the first night of the draft. I know, I know. We don't want to harp on the Levis situation. I feel bad for the dude -- I would have absolutely never expected him to dip out of the first round. But it's fair to wonder if putting mayonnaise in his coffee was a red flag. I say that kind of (?) jokingly? If CBS ever gave me hiring and firing power and someone mentioned that in an interview they probably are sliding down my "can we employ this human" rankings. Will an NFL prospect ever admit putting mayo in coffee? Post a video with mayo nearby? I'm a big Duke's Mayo Bowl fan myself so I sympathize with those people this morning -- mayo and football go together like apple pie and America, but it's fair to wonder if this southern condiment didn't take a step back Thursday night.